


Swept Away

by Ronja



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-23 13:18:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2548901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ronja/pseuds/Ronja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Instead of staying with the group Katniss and Peeta sneak off early in the morning on the day they would have carried out Beetee's plan. One of the sections of the arena turns out to have a river running through it and it takes them to a place Katniss would have never expected. Also - Everlark!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Swept Away

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this one-shot sitting on my computer for probably a year but never got around to posting it. Since it's much more Everlark-friendly than my two ongoing series I figured now might be a good time to post it and prove I'm still a huge shipper ;)

The jungle doesn't seem as dense around us anymore, which means we must be nearing the force-field, but the air is still humid, hot and heavy and I still feel like an insect trapped under a glass bowl. Sweat is making my hair stick to my face and I have to wipe my brow with the back of my hand every other minute, which doesn't really help much since my arm is sweating too. All of this and it's not even morning yet. Once the sun rises it's going to be unbearably hot.

Then again, the heat will be the least of our problems. I knew we had to leave the others. Every instinct in my body seemed to scream that we had to get out before it was too late but I also knew it would come with further challenges. Peeta and I were supposed to guard the others while they slept. Instead we snuck off into the jungle, leaving them vulnerable and exposed. It was a cowardly move but the best option available to us. If Finnick, Johanna and Beetee die because we left them without anybody standing guard their blood will be on our hands but not as much as if we kill them ourselves. Truthfully I hope that they will die this morning before they wake up and realize that we're gone. I don't want to have to kill them even though I know that's what I will need to do to save Peeta's life. I also don't want them chasing after us, which is bound to happen once they realize they've been betrayed. Instead of three enemies out there in the jungle we'll now have six. Beetee is no great cause for concern to me, deadly as his traps may be, but Johanna and Finnick are definitely forces to be reckoned with. Especially when they're pissed off.

"Where do you reckon we are?" asks Peeta beside me.

I stop to try and find my bearings. We left about thirty minutes ago and headed straight up into the jungle. Knowing what we know about Beetee's trap neither one of us has any intention of staying near the beach. Unfortunately our new enemies know that we will think like that and probably give chase in the direction we took off in. I want to move us to a safer place but it's hard to know where that might be. Finnick, Johanna and Beetee know as much as we do about the arena clock and just like us they will want to stay ahead of the dangerous zones. Our best option seems to be to face the perils of one of the sections and get out on the other side, thus bringing us eleven hours ahead of the next trap. Rock solid plan, except it involves putting our lives in grave danger for however long it takes to cross that section. We could head back down to the beach and use the strips of land that lead to the cornucopia to traverse into a desired section but that leaves us open for attacks not to mention we'll be in plain view of the people we're trying to hide from.

"Katniss," says Peeta, either one step ahead of me in his mind or at least reading where mine is going. "If we're going to cross through an active section it has to be done down by the beach since that's where they're the narrowest. That will make our paths cross with the people we just left behind."

I nod my head and again wipe the sweat from my brow.

"I'm thinking the ten o'clock section would be the smartest to cross," I say.

"What, the  _tidal wave_?" says Peeta with incredulity.

"It takes time for the wave to build. If we head into it at nine o'clock and cross most of it we can make it to the nine section as soon as that trap has ended."

"Great plan, except for three major problems."

"What?" I snarl. I'm completely on edge, weary, drenched in sweat and more than a little irritated. If he can't come up with anything better he can keep his mouth shut.

"We don't know exactly when the wave comes crashing down," Peeta points out. "It could be at half-past ten or at ten sharp or at any moment in-between or before eleven. We also don't know what's in the nine o'clock section and we can't tell just from walking in the jungle where one section ends and the next begins. Furthermore the ten o'clock section is where we left Finnick and the others behind and I don't know about you but I don't care to hide around here and wait for them to come charging through the jungle in search of our blood."

"Blood!" I exclaim. "That's where we want to go! The blood rain section."

Peeta gives me a look that can best be described as queasy.

"You want to be showered in blood?"

"No. But it's just disgusting, not deadly."

"It's also the section that comes directly after the lightning tree," replies Peeta. "It will send us directly at the others." He looks unsure. "Do you want to kill them then?"

"Oh. I..." For the moment it had slipped my mind that the blood rain section followed the lightning section. It wasn't my intention that we sneak up on the others and kill them and I certainly don't have any desire to do so. Nor does Peeta, going by the look on his face, but if that's what I want to do he's clearly not going to argue. "No," I tell him. "No, we have to find some other idea."

"What do you say we plot while we move? I don't know about you but I don't want to be standing here when Finnick's trident and Johanna's axe come flying through the trees."

I glance up the slope and spot the small chink in the force-field. Peeta is right. We ought to get moving. We can figure the rest out as we go along.

"The force-field?" he asks.

"Just up ahead."

"Okay. You take the lead and we'll walk clockwise. It's as good a start as any. We can always hope that the others won't choose to look for us along that path because it seems like too obvious a choice for geniuses like ourselves."

I can't even tell if he's being sarcastic or not, nor do I really care. For all we know the others have woken up already and decided to give chase. We need to put as much distance between us and them as we possibly can.

"Okay," I nod. "We head clockwise. We move fast."

"I'll try."

I try not to scowl. It's not Peeta's fault that he can't move as fast as I need him to. He has his artificial leg and God knows how long the effects of walking into the force-field will last. His speed isn't even the biggest problem; the biggest problem is his uncanny inability to move silently through whatever part of nature you drop him in. Which means all the more reason for us to get moving.

We walk for a few hours with nothing happening around us. I stay in front, bow in my hand, occasionally tossing nuts at the force-field when I'm unsure of where it is. Peeta walks one step behind me, constantly on alert, ready to defend us against whoever might come charging through the jungle. Nothing happens. Nobody comes. Maybe Johanna, Finnick and Beetee decided against chasing after us. Maybe they decided their best course of action would be to continue with Beetee's trap and at least hope to eliminate Brutus, Enobaria and Chaff. Then they would only have us to focus on. The thought sends a chill down my spine.

I don't know for how long we have walked when the scenery around us suddenly changes. I stop so suddenly that Peeta walks into me.

"Something's wrong," I say.

"Did we move away from the force-field?" asks Peeta. He's noticed the change in scenery too.

I look to my left and spot a chink.

"No. It's still a few feet to our left."

"We must have crossed into a new section of the arena," concludes Peeta. "Whatever this is, it's related to a trap."

I close my eyes and frown, trying my best to remember the map Peeta drew of the clock. Where could we possibly be? Then I look up at the sky.  _When_  can we possibly be? Do we need to move away from here in a hurry? I don't think so. When we left this morning it was around five o'clock. We've seen the tidal wave since and the lightning storm which means it's afternoon. I would guess it's around three or four o'clock. Did we know what occurred at those hours?

"Okay, we know the lightning storm happened at midnight," says Peeta. "How many hours since then?"

"Three, maybe four," I say. "That's just a guess, though."

"Okay, well we've at least cleared the blood section and the fog section. After that comes monkeys and jabberjays."

The thought of the jabberjays sends a shiver down my spine. I think I'd rather be stuck in the monkey section than the jabberjay one.

"So where the hell are we now?" I say miserably.

"We don't know what comes after the jabberjays. At six o'clock there was that… beast of some kind." He swats away a mosquito and makes a face. "If we're not with the jabbers or the monkeys we're either in the section directly proceeding that one or in one of the three sections that come between that and the tidal wave. I sincerely doubt we're in the jabberjay section or the monkey section."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes. We can't have walked all the way around the arena which means this is not the tidal wave section. This change in scenery is likely to be part of some trap we're not familiar with. That puts us at either the five o'clock section or somewhere between seven and ten."

"Great," I say with no enthusiasm. "Some new form of terror. Let's move out of here and head back to ten o'clock."

He nods and we begin to move, me a few feet ahead of him. The vegetation has thinned out and after a few minutes the tree line ends and we're standing by the shore of a river. Peeta walks up and stands next to me, eyeing the body of water ahead of us. The river is only about twenty yards wide and doesn't look very deep. I could easily cross it. My eyes go to Peeta and he looks back at me.

"I don't know about you but I would like to be on the other side of this river before the others find us or before we find out what exactly goes on in this section's part of the day." He frowns and looks at the water. "I still have my belt so I should be able to get across without a problem. Right?"

"Right," I mumble, quickly weighing my options in my head.

Getting Peeta across the river could be dangerous. We don't know what lurks in the water. I kneel down and scoop up a handful, my tongue darting out to taste it. It's freshwater, which confirms my suspicion that the trap is related to the river. Maybe the water is poisonous when this section is activated. Maybe there are dangerous predators that come out during the right hour and devour whoever comes too close. For all we know there could be dangerous animals in here anyway all around the clock, just like some of the animals in the jungle could harm us at any time. I'm not wild about going in, especially when we don't know which hour this is and what time it is but I have to agree with Peeta that finding ourselves stranded here when one of the others finds us might be worse.

"Alright," I say and straighten up. "We'll cross it. It's probably best to do it here since this seems to be where it begins, right by the force-field. It will probably be wider and deeper the further down it goes."

"Okay then," nods Peeta. "You go first and I will follow behind."

"Like hell," I snort. "I'm not swimming ahead without knowing that you're making it across. You go ahead of me and I will help you out."

He doesn't argue, he just stops to secure his knives in his belt. I'm not too happy about him swimming with deadly weapons tethered to him that way but we need to get them across and I can't think of a better way myself. I secure my bow to the quiver and make sure the silver parachute is tied tightly to my own belt. Then I share a look with Peeta and try to quench the uneasy feeling that's been in the pit of my stomach all day long.

"We'll be on the other side in no-time," he tells me.

"Of course," I nod.

He puts his hands on my hips and leans in to give me a brief kiss. Memories of our kisses on the beach earlier flutter back to me but they're quickly forgotten as his hands leave my body and he walks out into the water, me at his heels.

I don't know why I'm surprised that the shore is steep and it only takes a few steps for us to have to swim. This is not a natural river, it's gamemaker made. The thought of trying to get out of this water as fast as possible while hungry predators swim around you frightens me and I urge Peeta to move faster. The sooner we are on the other side, the better.

At first there's no real problem. Peeta swims clumsily and slowly but stays afloat thanks to his belt and we're making progress. I try not to think about how we're sitting ducks to anyone who walks out of the jungle at this moment. The image of Finnick spearing Peeta on his trident like he would a fish in the sea makes me want to urge Peeta to swim faster but I know it's no use. The best we can do right now anyway is to stay silent and not attract attention from anyone who might be nearby.

Then it happens. The river changes. My mind barely has time to register that we must be in this section's active hour before the strong current has grabbed us and forces us downstream. I reach out and grab Peeta's arm, holding on desperately, wondering if he'll be able to keep his head above water. I'm not even sure that I will be able to but it's too late for second-guessing ourselves now. We have to fight to stay alive. I know there's no section of the beach where a river runs down which means that it comes to an end somewhere before the tree line ends. How does it end exactly? By a wall of sharp rocks? Will our bodies be smashed helplessly like ragdolls thrown against a brick wall?

"Peeta!" I manage, spitting water and then swallowing some. "Peeta!"

I feel his hand grip mine and we hold on to each other as best we can. I'm so grateful for the belt that keeps him floating, even if it's only barely in this current. After about ten seconds the current loses a bit of strength and we're able to keep our heads over water long enough to look at each other and talk.

"What's happening?" asks Peeta. "Is it weakening down already?"

I don't even want to know the answer to that. If it is then it can only be to make way for some other terror.

Then I feel it. The current splits into two different arms as the river comes to a fork. One current grips me with renewed strength. The other catches Peeta.

"No!" I manage to gasp, my grip tightening on him for the fraction of a second I have before forces beyond our strength pulls us apart.

"Katniss!" I hear him sputter and then he's gone.

Panic grips me even tighter than the current. He's gone! I lost my grip on him and he was swept in a different direction than me. He's not a strong swimmer, he's already injured and if somebody finds him when he washes up he's going to be an easy target. If he even does wash up alive. We still don't know where the currents are taking us.

I'm aware that my part of the river is taking me back into the jungle. A low hanging branch smacks into me and I manage to reach out and grab it. The current has lost some of its strength again and I manage to hold on and even steady myself a little against the riverbank. I have to pull myself out. I have to get to Peeta.

Boom.

The canon fires. Somebody has died. I scream Peeta's name in hysteria, hoping,  _praying_  that it's not him. It can't be him. This can't be how the story ends. The river has gone strangely quiet even with the strong current and I can hear the hovercraft approaching. Will it stop over our section? Will it grab Peeta's body and lift it up into the air? If it does, then what do I do?

I lose my grip on the branch and the current pulls me under. I contemplate just letting it sweep me away and drown me, or throw me on the rocks. What point is there to go on fighting if Peeta has died? How can I finish off the rest of the tributes if not to save his life? How could I ever go back home again without him? My life will be shattered; I won't be able to live in the Victors' Village anymore without him three houses away. I won't be able to live at all without him around.

What keeps me fighting is the hope that it might not have been him the cannon sounded for. He could still be alive, in need of my help. I manage to get back up over the surface and gasp for air. Then the water throws me at a large rock, knocking the wind out of me and causing blinding pain. I cramp up and shut my eyes tight, wanting to die so I won't have to face whatever comes next. Then I become aware that I'm on dry land now and slowly my eyes begin to open. The current has washed me ashore.

I fly to my feet, surprisingly agile. Could it be that the other half of the river did the same with Peeta? As fast as I can move I begin to walk back up the stream, aiming to find the fork so I can follow the other shoreline. Peeta must be there somewhere. If not him then at least his dead body.

I stop in my tracks. No, his dead body won't be there. It will have been picked up by that hovercraft. I was under water and I have no way of knowing if it was Peeta's body they picked up or not. I force the thought from my mind and stumble along, refusing to give up. I have to at least try until I know for sure that he is dead. But soon, just moments later, the hopelessness of it all begins to overtake me. I'm miserable, in pain and nauseous. I'm all alone and I realize I've lost my bow and arrows in the current. Anybody could take me out at this moment and even if I find Peeta they could kill us both without me being able to defend us.

Suddenly I stop. All energy has left my body and I can't seem to move another inch. It truly is hopeless. How am I ever going to be able to find him? He could have washed up at any point between the fork and the river's end. He could have ended up in the jungle, hidden from my view. He could be at the bottom of the river. He could have been lifted up by the hovercraft. He could be on his feet, walking, looking for me. We could be constantly searching for one another without never finding each other. Until I see the portraits on the night sky I won't have any way of knowing if he's alive or dead. In all likelihood I've lost him for good.

A sob passes over my lips and I sink down on my knees. I've lost him. I've lost Peeta. I failed him and there's nothing I can do about it now. Why did we have to go in the damn water? Why didn't we just follow the river until the point where it ends and then cross through the jungle? We know for sure it doesn't go as far down as the beach so that should have been the logical choice. What do I do now? I don't know how to go on if he's been killed and I don't have the first idea how to find him again if he's alive. How can I protect him if I don't even know where he is?

I close my eyes and hide my face in my hands, shaking with sobs and occasionally crying his name. I don't know for how long I sit like that but when I feel a pair of hands on my shoulder and I swing around to face my new attacker the world has gone pitch black. It can't be night already, can it? Where did this darkness come from? I can barely even make out the figure in front of me; all I see is a silhouette in the darkness.

"It's okay," says a soothing voice. "Katniss it's okay."

I realize I'm awake.

I'm not in the arena, trapped in a deadly jungle and all alone by a riverbank. I'm in my own bed, sheets tangled around my legs, sweat making my t-shirt stick to my body, but safe and protected. And I'm not alone. The silhouette in the darkness is Peeta. He's not lost, he's not dead. He's not even injured. He's right here and he's safe and sound.

"Peeta," I whimper.

"You were having a bad dream," he says calmly. "You were crying in your sleep."

We're sitting up, I realize. My eyes begin to adjust to the darkness and I can see him better now. His skin is scarred and his frame is much thinner than I would like it to be but he is very much safe and alive and even in the dark I can tell his eyes are looking at me with love and comfort. I throw my arms around him and pull him as close as I can, hoping to escape the panicked feeling from my dream by feeling his physical presence in my arms.

"Peeta," I whimper again.

"It's alright," he soothes, wrapping his arms around me in return. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. It was just a dream." Does he read minds now? How did he know I dreamt about losing him? The answer comes after just a few seconds. "You said my name. Repeatedly. I'm right here, Katniss. I'm always right here."

I pull away a little from our embrace. His hand is tangled in my hair and it feels comforting. I rest my forehead against his and we look deeply into each other's eyes. His lips are so close to mine and I wonder if he's going to kiss me. Occasionally he does, after I've had a particularly bad nightmare. I wish he would right now.

 _My nightmares are usually about losing you. I'm okay once I realize you're here_.

I'm finally beginning to understand what he meant when he said that to me but for me it doesn't work the same way. His presence here doesn't mean that I'm okay. The fear in my heart from the dream still holds me in a vice. Sure he's here now but what about tomorrow? Or next week? Or ten years from now? How many nights did I wake up in District 13 and he wasn't there? I really did lose him in the arena, just not the way it happened in the nightmare. We got separated and he was taken from me to unknown horrors. I didn't even always know if he was alive or not. I don't think I can ever forget that feeling and right now I need more than to just know he's here beside me.

His lips brush gently against mine. The kiss is chaste, just a friendly reminder that we're together in this. I need more than that. I press my lips firmly against his, wanting to know that he's really with me. It takes a moment for him to respond but when he does I begin to feel it again. That hunger I felt on the beach and once before that in the cave. That feeling that I want more and more, that he can't kiss me enough. Warmth and excitement begins to spread through my veins and out to every limb in my body. I don't know where this came from but I'm not about to question it. It's the first thing that's felt truly good since I've been back in Twelve.

Our first kisses in the first arena were closed-mouthed. Just lips against lips. Then as time went on they began to come in various forms. Simple pecks, long moments of our lips pressed together, feather-light touches. Some with our mouths slightly opened, capturing the other's lip between our own. Occasionally I would feel Peeta's tongue brush against my lips and sometimes even against my own tongue. I was never sure what to do in those moments. How are you supposed to move? What is your tongue supposed to be doing? Luckily Peeta never put me in the situation where I had to figure it out. It was always just a light touch, a brief hint of the kind of kiss people share when they kiss because they  _want_  to and not because there's a camera on their face and each smooch might help them survive.

Then came those kisses on the beach in the second arena. That time our tongues found each other and it seemed to happen naturally, all on its own, as if my body knew what to do much better than I did. It felt a little strange but very good.

Now Peeta pulls away a little and looks into my eyes. His lips are parted slightly. When I move in to kiss him again my tongue finds its way between them and he opens his mouth further to let me in. Our kisses turn hungrier, deeper, more passionate by the second. I'm not sure what to do with it all but I don't even care. I just want to feel this way for as long as possible. I want to feel him respond the same way he did on the beach because that will let me know that the government didn't take that away from me too along with everything else they took when they hijacked him.

The first time I felt this hunger the blood from my head wound made me dizzy and we had to stop. The second time I thought there was nothing hindering us but then the lightning bolt brought us back to our senses and put an end to the moment. This time there's nobody here but us and nothing that can interrupt us. The thought makes me lightheaded. I feel an indefinable desire to feel his skin against me and I tug at the hem of his t-shirt. He pulls away just slightly and raises his arms, allowing me to pull the shirt off him and throw it aside. Then our arms are back around each other and our lips find each other. My chest presses to his and the sensation of his skin touching mine feels better than it ever has before but there's still my t-shirt in-between us. I'm not sure where I find the courage but I grab it by the hem and pull it off, leaving me topless in front of him.

For a few seconds we look at each other, both of us breathing heavily. Peeta's hands come to rest on my waist and he leans in again, kissing me so softly and lovingly that it makes all my nervousness wash away just as quickly as it appeared. His hands slowly move up my body and come to rest at the side of my breasts. Gently and carefully his thumbs move over the small mounds, silently asking for my permission. I nod my head slightly, my mouth still locked to his, and his hands slide slowly over the skin of my breasts until he's palmed them gently. It brings a whole new sensation to me and I can barely stop myself from gasping. Our lips part again and we look at each other once more. The hunger is burning even hotter in me now but it's not entirely focused on his kisses anymore.

"Here…" he says. "Lay down for me."

I oblige and can't stop the goofy grin that appears on my face as I do. There's something surreal about this moment because I know I should be feeling bashful or ashamed at exposing my scarred body to him this way and if not that I should at least feel nervous that a boy is seeing me without my shirt or bra on for the first time, not counting my prep team. But I don't feel any of that. I just feel hunger and a strong desire to have his mouth back on mine again. Peeta's eyes travel slowly over my upper body while his right hand, the one he's currently not supporting his weight on, travels feather-light down my side. I bite my lower lip, letting it slowly slide out of my mouth. I wait for him to say something because that's the kind of thing I expect from Peeta in this moment. A comment on how beautiful he finds me or something similar.

Instead he leans down and kisses me again and I instantly wrap my arms around his shoulders. I know that I'm not beautiful right now and I know that Peeta might find me beautiful even when I'm not. All the same I realize I'm glad he didn't say anything along those lines because it's too soon for me to be able to believe it yet. His mouth on mine tells me what he thinks of me instead and I've always been better with actions than with words.

His hand travels back over my breast and begins to explore. The way he touches my sensitive skin, the way his fingers move over my nipples, the way his lips press against mine, all of it serves to make the hunger grow stronger and I begin to feel a little dizzy. Instinctively I arch up against his hand and I feel him smile against my lips. Then his mouth leaves mine and begins to trail kisses down my jaw and my neck.

I wrinkle my nose a little. Not that his lips don't feel great where they are but I'm not sure what to do with this hunger or how to best satiate it and the only thing I know for sure is that I want his lips back on mine. I'm in the middle of trying to figure out how to ask him for that without insinuating that he's doing something wrong at the moment when his lips close on my right nipple and he sucks on it, quickly and lightly.

The gasp that escapes my mouth causes him to look up at me. The sight is so bizarre – his big blue eyes looking questioningly at me while his lips are still closed around my nipple – that it causes me to laugh.

"I'm sorry," I tell him. "It just looks a little…"

His mouth leaves me and I feel a sense of loss and frustration.

"I'm glad to see you smiling," he says, a warm smile on his own face. Then his mouth is back on my breast and another gasp escapes me.

For a while I let him continue exploring my upper body with his hands and mouth. It feels good, better than I expected or could have ever anticipated. My grafted skin still feels raw and uncomfortable but this is Peeta touching me and his closeness is familiar and comforting to me. He's suffered the same burns I have and he knows perfectly how sensitive the new skin feels. The way he touches me sends unexpected jolts down towards my core and I'm beginning to understand that whatever this hunger is it's not going to be able to be sated just by kisses and caresses. So after a while I place my hands on his shoulders and gently nudge at him to move off of me.

"Sit up," I tell him, my voice sounding strangely hoarse.

He gets up on his knees and I do the same. We stand like that on the bed, face to face, both our chests heaving with our slightly labored breath. There's a new look in his eyes, a deep and slightly dark look that interests me. My hand reaches out and brushes a strand of hair from his brow and he swallows and licks his lips slightly. My lips find his again and we kiss for a long moment while I press myself closer to him in a vain attempt at finding whatever it is I'm searching for.

I can feel his hardness pressing against my hip. It's not something I haven't felt before. Almost every single night I've slept in his arms I've felt it and I've never given much thought to it. My mother, the biology class we took in school and Peeta himself have all informed me that it's just something that happens with guys on and off during the night. A couple of times I've felt it while he's been awake, if I've accidentally brushed against him or touched him in some way that made his body react. It never bothered me then either. Peeta never said anything about it, not even a sheepish explanation or apology, and there was never any need to. I may be innocent and inexperienced but I'm no idiot. He's a teenage boy and I think it would almost be insulting if he didn't have that physiological reaction to me in some situations. He never attempted to act on it and didn't seem to want to talk about it so I let him know it was okay by not making a big deal out of it.

This time I know there's something different about it. It's more than a physiological reaction to the person you like accidentally brushing against you. I find myself feeling strangely curious, having never seen male anatomy in that state, and I let my hand slowly slide from his shoulder all the way to the hem of his boxers. He's ticklish, which makes me smile a little. I lean my face forward and capture his lips in another kiss. Then without thinking I reach inside his boxers, find him and wrap my hand around him.

Too hard. The wince of pain, the displeased grunt and the way he bucks away from me spells it out for me and the apology is out of my mouth the moment his lips leave mine.

"Sorry!" I gasp, pulling my hand back out. "I'm sorry. That was too hard, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," he winces.

"I'm sorry," I say again.

I realize that the moment is over and whatever was happening between us just got ruined. Not that I don't still feel the hunger lingering but right now it can't hold up against the embarrassment and shame I'm feeling.

Peeta takes my hand in his own and guides it back inside his boxers. My eyes find his and I suddenly feel nervous again. He gives me a light kiss but it's enough to make the hunger come back full-force and then his fingers wrap mine around his length. He guides me with his hand, showing me what to do and how hard to grip him. A smile spreads across my face. His hand leaves mine and when it does I remove my hand from his underwear as well. He lets out a disappointed grunt but my smile just widens and I use my hand to tug his underwear down a bit before wrapping around him again. He sighs against my shoulder and then lifts his head up a little.

I'm about to open my mouth and tell him how soft he feels but I realize that would be a poor choice of words. He does feel soft though, his skin feels almost unbelievably so, even though he's definitely hard underneath. I wrap my free arm around his shoulders to steady myself and then I look down. It's a little hard to see in the darkness of the bedroom and with our bodies so close together but the sight nonetheless enthralls me. This part of him suffered no burns and his skin is absolutely perfect. A memory stirs of a conversation we had late in the night on the train during the Victory Tour. I told him how the doctors wanted to give me breast implants after the Games and how Haymitch fought them until they relented. Peeta told me they had wanted to alter him too and neither one of us understood the point of what Haymitch had forbidden them to do to him. They had wanted to circumcise him, a concept I had never even heard of before Peeta explained it to me that night. We couldn't understand the reason for it at the time but after hearing Finnick Odair reveal what Snow had done to him it became frighteningly clear to me. They had wanted to make him appropriate to be sold to Capitol citizens, who apparently find a man's natural appearance revolting. Even though we were the star-crossed lovers they hadn't ruled out the possibility of prostituting us the way they did with other attractive victors.

As I watch him now I'm glad Haymitch was able to stop them. He looks just right to me the way he is and I hate the thought of them taking even more from him than he had already lost when he got out of that arena. I want to tell him how perfect he looks to me but I'm afraid I will say something dumb or unsuitable if I open my mouth so I leave it be. Peeta's forehead is pressed against mine and he's making low noises at the back of his throat. The effect I'm having on him right now makes me feel incredible and works together with the steadily rising hunger. I realize that by now I have a wide, stupid grin on my face that I can't seem to wash off.

Peeta mumbles a low warning in my ear, which I ignore, and a few moments later I get to see and feel what happens for a guy when he reaches his peak, while Peeta moans against my shoulder. It's a little weird and feels sticky against my hand so I quickly wipe myself on the fabric of his boxers. I'm suddenly unsure of what to say or do now but Peeta solves that problem for me by finding my mouth with his and kissing me deeply.

I reach down and pull his underwear down further. I help him steady himself while he takes them off completely and without a word I then take mine off as well. I'm not sure what emboldens me to do this, or even where I want things to go between us tonight, but on pure instinct I know that I will never be able to relieve the hunger with any barriers between the two of us.

Peeta takes my hand in his again and this time brings it down between my legs. I understand what he's trying to do and I wrap my arm around his shoulder again and part my legs slightly, needing a moment to find my balance. I slide my hand around his so that his fingers are pressing against me, which feels nice but not quite as good as I had expected it to. I place my hand on top of his so that I can show him how to move and touch but it's difficult because I'm not entirely sure myself. Peeta and the other victors were probably right before the Quell, I am too innocent, because I've never been comfortable touching myself like this. Peeta seems to pick up on how unsure I am and begins to explore on his own. He's tentative, worried that he will touch me in ways I'm not comfortable with, but I find myself okay with everything that's happening between us right now. Some of his touches feeds the hunger further while others feel no different than any other skin-to-skin contact, though that is still very nice. He finds the spot that's more sensitive than the rest and I moan a little into his ear to let him know I like that better.

After a few minutes he pulls his hand away. He takes my face between both his hands and kisses me three times. First softly, then lovingly, then passionately. The hunger is beginning to drive me crazy and it frustrates me that I can't find the formula to bring me whatever it is that I'm craving so badly. I just know that I want to feel him pressed entirely against me, because his touches feel really good and therefore the more of my body that touches his the better.

When his lips leave mine I lay back down, hoping he will understand what I want better than I do. It seems like he does because the next second he's moved between my legs and his holding himself up on his elbows, letting our bodies touch lightly but not trapping me underneath him. There's an uncertainty in his eyes when he looks at me but I'm barely aware of it for the burning hunger that will consume me if I don't figure out how to quench it properly. I don't know how he manages to just lay there like that. For my own part I can't control the desire to touch him and kiss him, so my arms roam over his back and I turn my head to the side to place kisses on his wrist resting right beside my face. When he doesn't do anything for over three minutes I turn my face back to him and see that his eyes are still locked on me with the same expression on his face.

"Are you sure?" he whispers.

I nod. He waits, needing more than just a nod.

"I wouldn't break your trust," I manage to say.

He kisses me softly. I don't know if he understood what I was telling him but even if he didn't get the underlying meaning he seems satisfied with the answer. I hope he does understand. I trust Peeta implicitly and he needs to be able to trust me the same way too. I think he does but at a time like this he needs to know that it is safe for him to do so. The trust between us means that I trust him not to do anything that would hurt me or that I'm not willing to do and that he can trust me to not let him believe I want this without being absolutely sure. In other words neither one of us should have anything to regret once this moment is over.

Then I feel him against me, hard once again yet still so soft to the touch. He brushes against that spot where his touch felt the best and instinctively I part my legs a little further. He kisses me again and keeps moving back and forth between my legs, gliding in the wetness, and it takes me a few seconds to realize that maybe he doesn't know where to go exactly. It's one thing to know it in theory but a whole other to be able to find it without having any visuals to guide you. I reach down my hand, aware that I'm not entirely sure either, and just guide him to where I feel myself aching the most.

For a second we just look at each other. Then I feel him thrust and I brace myself for what I expect to be pain. I know that the myth of every woman having a barrier that is breached the first time she has sex was disproven centuries ago but I was expecting to be one of those few women who actually do have one. It would be perfectly in line with everything else in my life. If there's any risk at all of pain being involved I'm damn sure going to be one to be subjected to it.

There is no barrier there. There is, however, the uncomfortable feeling of something big moving into a space that seems too tight for it, stretching me in a way I have never felt before. I gasp and grip Peeta's shoulder. He stops and looks at me.

"Tell me what you want me to do."

If I knew the answer to that I would have made sure to make him do it when the hunger first appeared tonight. He waits in silence and I feel myself beginning to adjust to him. Reason tells me that I should be able to adjust to it fully. This is something that's  _supposed_  to happen between people, after all. So I just wait for a few more moments until the initial discomfort and the stinging feeling begin to give way.

Peeta chooses that moment to begin to move out of me and I hurriedly wrap a leg around him to keep him in place.

"Don't," I whisper. "Don't leave me."

"I won't," he whispers back. "With or without this, I won't."

"Don't leave me in any way."

I hate myself for my inability to express what it is I want. Why does everything I say come off so clunky and so stupid and so far off from what I'm trying to say?

"I love you," Peeta mumbles against my mouth right before he kisses me and sinks back in fully. "So much, Katniss."

I groan into his mouth by way of reply, feeling jubilant inside at the confirmation that I have his love again, and make myself relax and just follow his lead. He seems to know what he's doing now and I'm glad someone else is taking control of this situation. There's some awkwardness in the placement of our bodies and we can't quite get a synced rhythm so after a few minutes I just stop trying and let Peeta handle this. His mouth never leaves mine and he moans softly against my lips when I wrap both my legs around his waist to keep him close and he somehow manages to get even closer to me, even deeper inside of me, through that motion.

The experience is unlike anything else I've ever felt. I never knew it was possible to feel so close to someone, emotionally as well as physically. It's a little uncomfortable at first but as we go along it begins to feel better. I feel what is almost an aching, longing sensation each time he pulls away from me and a delicious surge through my body when he pushes back in. One follows the other, over and over, combining to bring me to a place I never knew I could go. The sensations feed off of my hunger but it's the first thing I've felt that seems capable of quenching said hunger and I realize that this is what I've been wanting, what the hunger has been telling me to get.

"You okay?" mumbles Peeta against my mouth.

How is he able to speak? I couldn't form a coherent sentence at the moment if my life depended on it. I manage to nod instead and lift my head ever so slightly to find his lips again, hoping that I can communicate better this way. His hand trails down my body and the tips of his fingers find that sensitive spot again and I let out a very guttural, non-ladylike grunt that he somehow manages not to laugh at.

I don't know for how long it goes on. I just know that there's still something I'm trying to reach, some sensation my body is chasing, but either nobody ever told me what that is or my mind is too foggy at the moment to be able to figure out the answer. There must be some natural ending to what we are doing but I'm not sure what it is. All I know is that the way to reach wherever I'm trying to go is through Peeta. I'm oddly aware of how my body is behaving at the moment – skin sweating, heart pounding, breathing labored. It's like I'm literally racing towards something. It's strange how the symptoms can be the same as when I wake from a nightmare yet they are so positive and good. Wherever my body is trying to go it's somewhere I want to be.

Suddenly I'm there. Pleasure and pressure build inside me until it boils over and an intense feeling grips me so tight I fear I'm squeezing Peeta too hard in my embrace. I lose control of my muscles but I don't even care, letting them spasm and cramp while I vaguely wonder how long this very pleasurable feeling can last.

Peeta. His name is on my mind, on my lips, but I don't know if I'm able to actually produce the vocals of his name. Of course a feeling like this comes from him. It feels now like I've always known it, like it's been there from the start. Peeta is light and gentleness and the hope that there can be happiness in life. I want more of him, want to never not be with him, want him to be a part of everything that I do. I can't understand what I'm feeling, I just know it's something better than I ever thought possible, even before the Games and the rebellion and all the misery. It's something that only Peeta can give me and I haven't known until now how much I need it.

When it's over I'm almost completely limp. I'm aware that Peeta is shuddering above me and letting out little gasps and moans. Then the next thing I know he's moved to the side of me and for a brief second I'm overwhelmed by the sense of loss and feel a desperate need to find him again and cling to him tight. His arms find me instead and roll me over on my side, pressing me close to him. He's on his back now and I have his arm around me and his chest to wrap my own arm over. My head has come to rest right by his on the pillow and when he turns his to face me our noses lightly touch.

He gives me a soft kiss. My hand reaches up and caresses his cheek. I vaguely remember that I had a nightmare and how frightened I felt when I woke up. Now that feeling couldn't be farther away. I needed to feel that I still have Peeta and he showed me so in a way that leaves no doubt. I might still lose him to forces beyond our control but I'm not longer petrified of that to the point where I choose to keep a distance between us. I'd rather live with this feeling for as long as I'm granted the ability to. Happiness shouldn't be possible anymore but because of him it still is.

 _I'm okay once I realize you're here_.

I wish I could find a way to tell him all of this. Not because he deserves to know after all the time he's been devoted to me or all the sacrifices he's made for me or all the pain he's suffered because of me. I want to be able to tell him this for my own sake, because I want to know that he knows how much he matters to me. I want to share the feeling in my chest with him and know that he understands. I want to make him feel safe and protected and for him to know that there is a person to whom he means more than anything in the world.

As can be expected, Peeta finds a way to help me.

"You love me," he whispers. "Real or not real?"

I give him my answer.

"Real."

**Author's Note:**

> Wasn't what you expected when you first started reading, was it? ;) When it comes to writing smut I'm very inexperienced but I hope it doesn't read as awkward as it sometimes was to write. I would love some feedback (not on the smut specifically but on the story as a whole ;) )!


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